Friday, November 11, 2011

Open Letter to 13-year-old Me

Dear 13-year-old me,
Let's have a discussion. I might be able to help you traverse these next few years with limited unnecessary humiliation. Please, please, just listen to me.
Here's a few things to keep in mind.
1) take a second and reconsider every single piece of clothing before putting it on your body and going out in public. Self expression is one thing but... come on.

this leads me straight to my next thought...
2) notice how in the picture on the right we're wearing those two watches? Those are both plastic Spongebob watches we got out of cereal boxes. Now, in a year you'll think wearing them both to school every day because "What if one dies? I still wouldn't have to look at the wall clock" is the funniest, most charmingly quirky thing that has every happened. You'll think you're pretty much Zooey Deschanel. Oh, that's some serious anachronism. But you don't know what that word means anyway.
In conclusion, please don't. Or at least not every day.
3) You know your taste in music is flawless, I know your taste in music is flawless. Don't even bother trying to convince other people of this. They won't get it. Oh, that reminds me. There's a thing called an "ipod" coming into the world. Best invention of time and space. Start saving for one now so you won't have to share one with Becky. Everyone realizes the flaws in that plan.
4) TALK. You're funny. The world needs to know it.
5) Do not wear your favorite sweatshirt to the pig farm during Farm Week. The smell will linger for weeks, even after multiple washings. Those piglets are adorable though.
6) In a few years, you'll have to make the decision of whether or not to take Honors Chemistry. We've always been ok in Science but Chemistry is an entirely different animal that was born in the fires of Mordor. See this equation? That make sense to you?

Yeah, me neither. The best part of that class was the drawing I did of two moles ninja-fighting. (Believe me, it's funny and totally relevant.)

7) So you're in Spanish right now, and if I recall correctly, you hate it with a passion usually reserved for dictators and Scooby-Doo reruns. So you want to take World Cultures instead next year, because that will help you decide what language to take in high school. Good theory. The reality, however, is that World Cultures is where slackers go when they are just too lazy for elementary Spanish, and lack the motivation for Band or Choir. Boys will hit you in the face with paper clips.
The teacher's nice though.
8) When you're almost done with high school, PLEASE do not tell your band lesson teacher, who has been nothing but nice to you for four years, that you hate playing the instrument that he loves. Yeah, it's true, but it helps no one to let him know that.
9) Actually, whenever you feel like saying things and you even have an inkling that it might be a bad idea, for the love of GOD, DO NOT say them.
10) I hate to say this, but you're a little boy-crazy. Now, I realize hormones are a thing and all that, but still, calm down. You're about to discover the wonders of male friendship. It's a wonderful thing. Try not to be too distracted by your habit of liking every guy who looks at you without disgust in his eyes. That will stop eventually, I promise.
11) It's not going to be easy. The following eight years will go approximately like this: ok with bits of crappy because people are jerks, then it's a little better, then who are these people? OH THEY'RE THE BEST PEOPLE THAT'S COOL, then sporadic sucking and teenage angst, then wait this is ending? but I love you. This sucks, then it gets crappy for a while but then. THEN. Everything is great. The world is rainbows and daisies and really good history jokes.
Ok not quite. But it's still pretty fantastic most of the time.
Now I think that's something to look forward to, I don't know about you.

P.S. Just to save you the stress and making of many pro/con lists later, let me just tell you: you stay in marching band all three years. And also, you hide in the uniform closet during all-school-awards Junior year. You don't get caught. It's the best.