A Cynic's Guide to Social Media

So I've discovered myself becoming more and more cynical these days. Blame it on old age (I'm like, legitimately in my 20's now), blame it on stress, on global warming, on running out of Star Wars fruit snacks, whatever. I've made the decision to blog about these grievances instead of talking to a trusted confidante because that seems healthy. I mean, if you constantly complain about the minutiae of your life in person, you're a bore and a bad friend. But if you do it through text, you're a writer.
The first area I need to vent about is social media, or Facebook and Twitter specifically. People seem confused about what is and what is not interesting and funny, and I thought I would clarify, being an expert on saying things that are not interesting or funny.

(DISCLAIMER: If you do these things, please know I do not hate you. I just judge you to varying degrees.)

Updates or stories about interesting trips you have taken: interesting.

Updates or stories about your meals: not so interesting
example: "BRRR it's so cold I'm so glad I made this organic basil, Parmesan, dragonfruit stew to warm me up! Aren't I so hip and interesting? *blurry, instagrammed picture of suspicious looking gunk*

Celebratory or proud updates about accomplishments/engagements/graduations: post it up, I'm proud of you, boo.

"I'm so tired!! I also don't realize that most other people reading this are around the same age and I guess I can't figure out that EVERYONE is perpetually exhausted right now LOL.": not interesting.

Pictures of your pets: interesting and ENCOURAGED BECAUSE CUTE

Postings of random "thoughtful" or "deep" quotes set on a hipster background because I guess you think Facebook is Tumblr: not interesting.

Example

Links to interesting articles or postings/discussion of topics you're passionate about: interesting

Music lyrics with a little heart after them: always and forever not interesting

Posts about the good times you have with your friends: go for it

"It's Valentine's Day and my *significant other* is just so adorable I love them so much I spent a whole minute crafting this status/tweet proving my everlasting devotion to this person *LESS THAN THREE LESS THAN THREE* *filtered picture of convenience store flowers posted to make other girls jealous of how much people love you*: please God stop we get it

Wordplay/Jokes that don't suck: the world needs more of this

"Can you BELIEVE what Dr. McLickMyFace just did on 'Hospital Teenage Vampire Love?!' I have friends I watch this show with, so I'm guaranteed some likes! And that validates my self-worth!": no thanks.

And, because fair is fair, here are a few examples to prove not even I am immune to these insufferable offences. Never-ending shame.